Why Therapy Can Feel Abstract and Confusing

Understanding therapy can feel abstract at first. In this article, I explain how therapy works and why small, incremental shifts often lead to the biggest, most lasting changes.

Does therapy feel abstract to you?
Are you struggling to see the point?
Does progress feel vague and confusing?

Perhaps you find yourself feeling awkward not knowing what you ‘should’ bring to sessions?

Creating Relational Safety: The Hidden Key to Effective Therapy

What therapists don’t want you to know….

Therapy works by creating safety, but not just the kind you think about cognitively. Cognitive safety is knowing, for example, that therapy is confidential and that you can trust your therapist. What I’m focusing on here is relational safety.

Relational safety takes time to develop. It’s the implicit part of therapy where you gradually reveal more of yourself, and over time, begin to feel fully accepted through your therapist’s attuned and responsive support.

In my clinical work, I’ve seen that clients often report their biggest breakthroughs happen once they feel fully safe to explore even small, difficult emotions. Without this type of relational safety your brain won’t relax and won’t be open to change – the conditions have to be right.

Safety in therapy can also be created by knowing and understanding how the process works. Personally, I remember feeling very confused when I first started therapy. Meeting a therapist who would explain what was happening with my emotions, or reflect my experiences back like a mirror, made a huge difference.

It helped me see that everything I was experiencing was part of the process and gave me permission to lean in. Understanding this was a critical part of feeling safe — it gave me a sense of control, which is especially important for anyone who has experienced trauma, since trauma happens when frightening events are outside of our control.

Many people I support as a therapist have felt exactly the same way. Unsure how therapy works or what progress looks like and reassurance about the process itself can be transformative.

Curiosity Over Shame: Understanding Your Patterns

Curiosity and awareness without shame are crucial but I find often that people shame themselves. This can look like ‘I am being so stupid’, ‘this isn’t anything compared to what other people have to manage’, ‘I am overreacting’ or ‘I need to grow a thicker skin’. Shaming yourself never works for growth.

All behaviour has a cause.

You might not know the cause or understand it. You might even judge your behaviour as incorrect which shuts down curiosity. But all behaviour comes from patterns and every pattern has a purpose. The goal is to understand the patterns considering the impact of biology and environment (the nature / nurture debate!)

From a psychological perspective, behaviour is shaped by an interplay of biology, early experiences, and environmental patterns, and understanding these factors is the first step toward sustainable change.

Using your internal anchor as the navigator is most helpful, but this might take some time to build if you learnt growing up to prioritise others. Research in trauma-informed therapy shows that developing internal grounding and self-regulation skills is essential for clients to engage safely and effectively in therapy.

Small Steps, Big Results: The Biology of Change

Therapy is not about immediate, dramatic change it is a structured process that works through small, repeated actions, guided by the therapist’s expertise.

The Biology of Taking Smaller Steps
• Nervous system tolerates micro-change better than big leaps
• Incremental change = sustainable change

The Compounding Effect
• Small habits stack
• Identity shifts through small, repeated actions

The Emotion-Body Link
• Changing a tiny somatic pattern can shift a whole emotional cycle

Understanding how therapy works — from creating safety to taking small, manageable steps — can make the process feel less abstract and more approachable. Change doesn’t happen overnight, but through curiosity, patience, and consistent effort, small shifts compound into meaningful, lasting growth. If you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure about how to begin, therapy can provide a safe and supportive space to explore your thoughts, emotions, and patterns with guidance and understanding.

Take the first step today: feel free to reach out to start building clarity, safety and the small, transformative changes that can make a real difference in your life.

FAQs

How does therapy actually help me change?

Therapy works by creating a safe, supportive space where you can explore patterns, emotions, and behaviours. Small, incremental shifts in awareness and actions often compound over time, leading to meaningful, lasting change.

Why do small steps matter more than big changes in therapy?

The nervous system tolerates micro-changes better than large leaps. Incremental changes are sustainable, help prevent overwhelm, and allow emotional and identity shifts to naturally occur over time.

What is relational safety, and why is it important in therapy?

Relational safety refers to the trust and attunement between you and your therapist. Feeling accepted and understood allows your brain to relax, making it possible to explore difficult emotions and patterns safely and effectively.