Understanding Disorganised Attachment Style

You are likely to have heard of attachment styles, the most common being secure, avoidant, and anxious attachment. Disorganised attachment is a subtype of an insecure attachment style. The other types of attachment are all organised because they who have them are pretty consistent in their approach to relationship.

This attachment style often stems from childhood relational trauma or inconsistent caregiving. It is also more prevalent among individuals who are neurodivergent, including those with ADHD, autism, or complex PTSD. While it’s a complex psychological topic, the overview below aims to simplify the key aspects.

What Is Disorganised Attachment?

Attachment theory is focused on the assumption that all humans have attachment needs from early relationships as an infant throughout their lives. The experience of these early attachment relationships with primary caregivers set a blueprint for future relationships – but the good news is that an attachment pattern can be changed. Attachment is essentially the way we interact with those around us based on our historic experiences.

Individuals with a disorganised attachment pattern need to feel valued, validated, emotionally and physically responded to, appreciated and respected, and confident that emotional care will be available when it is needed.

Evidence shows that those who are in securely attached relationships experience lower stress levels, more life satisfaction, less arguments and can navigate rupture with repair more easily than those with a disorganised attachment style. Those with a disorganised attachment style work exceptionally hard to regulate their distress and confusing state of being whereby they often feel a conflicting desire for relationship and deep rooted fear due to shame. They go to great lengths to hide their distress due to fear of rejection from other. The solution to their distress is often to avoid relationship but this doesn’t last long because innately we are all drawn back to relationship.

This is where a push / pull cycle can emerge of the individual seeking relationship but when they get too close to others or they feel the other person is too close to them this is frightening so they push them away. This is because the person has learnt in early life relationships that others cannot be trusted, they will hurt them or abandon them so it is understandable that there would be a sudden push away so to protect themselves. Except this pattern continues, the solution is not to push away but to stay still in the relationship.

Further difficulties emerge because someone with a disorganised attachment style often struggles to self-regulate their emotions which often can lead to unpredictable impulsive behaviours such as self-harm, drug use, alcohol misuse, binge / purge cycles and other self-damaging behaviours.

Signs of Disorganised Attachment in Adults

• Difficulty trusting others or allowing closeness
• Fear of abandonment yet also fear of intimacy
• Emotional dysregulation, especially during conflict
• A pattern of intense, unstable relationships
• Push-pull or hot-cold dynamics with partners or friends
• Impulsive coping behaviours (e.g. self-harm, binge/purge, substance misuse)

What Causes Disorganised Attachment?

The most common cause is childhood relational trauma, such as:

• Neglect, abuse, or inconsistency from caregivers
• Growing up in an environment with unpredictable primary care givers and attachment figures
• Experiencing both love and fear from the same person
• Environments lacking emotional safety and validation

These experiences lead to a conflict between two core needs: the need for emotional connection and the need to protect oneself from pain, abandonment or harm.

Healing Disorganised Attachment

Awareness is always the first step towards change – noticing and taking accountability for what might be going on inside of your relationships which you are contributing towards.

The best way in my opinion, which is also backed by significant evidence from multiple psychotherapists, is to heal in healthy relationships. This is tricky though if you have never had that modelled to you to even begin to know what is healthy VS what is not. Unfortunately there is truth in the statement that we attract what we project into the world.

Recovery is absolutely possible and often starts with self-awareness.

Steps to Healing:

1. Build awareness of your relational patterns and emotional responses.
2. Work with a trauma-informed, attachment-focused therapist who can help create corrective emotional experiences in a safe environment.
3. Educate yourself on attachment theory and emotional regulation. A highly recommended resource is Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime by Julie Menanno.
4. Develop secure relationships with people who model emotional safety, consistency, and care.

Support Is Available

Healing disorganised attachment requires patience, self-compassion, and often support from therapeutic relationships that feel secure and reliable. If you’re ready to begin your healing journey please feel free to get in touch for an initial consultation on how I can support you. 

FAQS

Can disorganised attachment be healed in adulthood?

Yes, disorganised attachment can be healed through self-awareness, therapy and consistent secure relationships. Change takes time but is supported by neuroplasticity and emotional relearning.

Is disorganised attachment the same as fearful-avoidant attachment?

They are closely related. Disorganised attachment is often referred to as fearful-avoidant. It involves a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviours due to unresolved trauma.

What are some common triggers for people with disorganised attachment?

Triggers often include emotional closeness, perceived rejection, inconsistency, abandonment threats, and emotional neglect. These can lead to intense emotional reactions or withdrawal.

Is disorganised attachment linked to other mental health conditions?

Yes, disorganised attachment often co-occurs with complex PTSD, borderline personality traits, depression, anxiety, and behaviours like substance misuse or self-harm.